Cesca: “A Tibetan teacher, Longchenpa, has a phrase I love: ‘the wizardry of being’.
If you can exist in a state where you have ‘wizardry of your being’, it creates ease and wonder around you.”
Cesca has practised Buddhism and meditation for the last twenty years, starting when she was just sixteen. She’s an occupational therapist and keen hillwalker, and spent two years living at Taraloka as Finance manager. In her thirties, Cesca discovered that she was neurodiverse. Maitrisiddhi asked her about her story.
Above: Cesca at work at Taraloka
Maitrisiddhi: How come you got interested in meditation in the first place?
Cesca: I had a clear sense that I needed to sort my mind out. Yeah – at that time I would do most things in my power not to be in my own mind. I was sixteen, and I just couldn’t be with myself at all. I had a series of self-destructive habits… So it really felt like : ‘do something different or die’.
I went to my local health food shop, and there was a flyer…. it said something Iike: ‘Learn to work with your mind’, and I thought: ‘Yes! That’s what I need to do.’ So I asked my mum and she took me along to the depths of Croydon and we went to meditate.
Above: Cesca has a strong connection with Padmasambhava, the mythic Tibetan guru-magician
Maitrisiddhi: What was your first experience like?
Cesca: It was terrible! Having to sit undistractedly with my mind wasn’t pleasant… But it was less painful than trying to run from it. So even though it was really hard and quite painful, it felt easier, very positive, like there was hope.
Then, slowly, slowly, I got interested in Buddhism more broadly. I was going to evening meditation classes, then I started going on Saturday mornings, where they taught a bit of Dharma too, and over a very long period of time it seeped in.
My mind is very slow, so I take something and work with it for like a year. And it’ll work! That gives me a deep faith in the Dharma, because then you know something is true from your own experience. It’s like the Buddha saying: “Don’t just take my word for it. Test my words as a goldsmith tests gold in a fire.” Try it out in your own experience. That’s what I did.
Above: Making Christmas biscuits in the Taraloka community
Maitrisiddhi: What was the difference for you between meditating as a standalone, and meditating as part of the wider perspective of Buddhism?
Cesca: With meditation, I can be with my experience and not run from it. But what the Dharma brings is an ability to be with my existence, with who I am now, but not be limited by it. And also it gives me confidence in my capacity to change. It’s as though there’s the opportunity for transformation on a much vaster scale…..
I spent years meditating with lots of self-hatred. But now I understand what the Buddha taught, I can see that thought come up – that I’m no good – and I can have a view of Buddha-nature [that all beings in their deepest nature are essentially pure, and that everyone has the potential for Awakening], and those two can sit together. The Dharmic view comes in and says: ‘Is that true – that I’m rubbish? Because that isn’t the Buddhist perspective.’ It makes me more able to transcend my own limited views.
Above: Cesca beneath the stupa of Dilgo Khyentse Rimpoche, one of Sangharakshita’s teachers, in Bodh Gaya, India
As well, there’s something about having something to look up to that’s far greater than yourself – the Dharma. I could meditate because I want to be happier, because I’m trying to ‘create a better me’. Or I could meditate with the aspiration that I want to transform because I want to be of more benefit to the world and to others. I know which has a stronger pull on me, and feels cleaner, I guess.
Above: Cesca with the Taraloka community
Maitrisiddhi: What happens when you practise more intensively, for example on retreats?
Cesca: I get closer to being completely at ease in my experience. And my perception of the world changes. Sometimes, afterwards, I’ve sat by a road, and there’s been no difference between the tinkle of the stream and the sound of the traffic – both are beautiful. It’s as though I’m experiencing everything as though it were the manifestation of love. To even have glimmers of that is amazing. It means that the world becomes a world of wonder and enchantment. The more fully I practice, the more I get in touch with this.
Then bringing that into daily life is what I aim for… even in just a small way. Occupational therapy has a concept of the ‘therapeutic use of self’, where you can benefit others just by being who you are. A Tibetan teacher, Longchenpa, has a phrase I love: ‘the wizardry of being’. If you can exist in a state where you have ‘wizardry of your being’, it creates ease and wonder around you. There can be a positive effect on others, simply through us being more in touch with things as they really are. You can walk through the world, and the ripples you cause are positive – even on a very small scale. I know there can be this effect, even though I’m such an imperfect practitioner.
Above: ‘The world becomes a world of wonder and enchantment.’
After my mum died, I had really been dwelling in impermanence, and for about two weeks at work [as an NHS occupational therapist] it just felt like I was walking through light. I didn’t have to think about my decisions – I was just doing them from the heart, and everything just went so well. I was like… wow! I was so happy, my patients were all great… You can’t really bottle that, can you? But just to know that that’s a possibility… Yeah. That’s what the Dharma says to me – that that’s a possibility, even for me.
Cesca was Finance manager at Taraloka for two years. She’s now returned to Sheffield to continue with her love of Occupational Therapy. She particularly enjoys engaging with older adults. We miss her!!